I have always thought of myself as a pretty stable person, or at least someone with a purpose and direction, but lately, that does not seem to be the case. Every night I am looking online for something bigger and better than what I am currently doing. I like my job, but I guess I expected it to be different. I expected to love my job. I expected to want to get up every morning and go to work with a certain "joie de vivre." After 7 years at the same job, teaching the same subject, I find that I'm lacking that new teacher spirit that I once felt, and I am not sure if I want it back. I suppose everything in life is like this, though. You start a new job, friendship, relationship or buy a new car or house, and at first, it's honeymoon-like: you love it and can't imagine your life without it. Then the new subsides. It gains some wear and tear, and you begin to question why you loved it so much. The zeal is gone, and now it's time to move on to something bigger and better.
The inevitable question remains: Is there something bigger and better? I've never had another professional job, so maybe this is as good as it gets. My emotions and ideas have tossed me back and forth like a wave in the ocean. My thoughts have shifted from one extreme to the next from a M-F job filing papers all day, every day to starting a nonprofit organization or running for a local office. In this frustration period, all of those ideas actually seem good. I feel like I'm running on a treadmill toward a goal that I'll never reach, and every time I look away, the goal changes. My purposeful, intentional life seems much more scattered than I had planned. I am definitely not cut out for this listlessness.
This past Sunday, Dave Edwards, our d|Now speaker, spoke about frustration and referenced Genesis 40. Joseph was imprisoned and he interpreted the dreams of the cupbearer and baker. The cupbearer's dream promised restoration to Pharaoh's palace, but the baker's dream prophesied his death. In return for his interpretation of the dreams, Joseph asked the cupbearer to remember him when he had Pharaoh's ear. However, when three days passed and the dreams were fulfilled, verse 23 says "Yet the chief cupbearer did not remember Joseph, but forgot him." How many days do you think it took before Joseph realized the cupbearer had not mentioned him to Pharaoh? How frustrating to think your help went unnoticed. How many times have we felt like Joseph though? Trapped in our situation whatever it may be, and praying for God to release us from our frustration, our hurt, our suffering.
My favorite part of the sermon, though, was what came next...Genesis 41. Two years later, the cupbearer did remember Joseph. He was able to interpret the Pharaoh's dreams, and he became one of the most powerful men in the land. I love how Dave put it: "For every 40, there is a 41." No matter how frustrating life gets, no matter how lost we feel, God is there in chapter 40, and He is preparing us for chapter 41. So, that is my prayer right now. My prayer is to have the patience for this chapter 40 in my life, my prayer is to find a purpose that is not my own, but His, and my prayer is for God to prepare my heart for wherever He may lead. I may not be cut out for this, but He is.
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